like ice water butterflies

Polar bear nightmare, white fur, white snow, red gums, white teeth. I keep dreaming of the same thing and last night was no exception. Today I realized you were always my one exception, speaking of. And its good to laugh with you. And my god how I love that you smile at me with your eyes and mouth and body. All in. It started with a monarch butterfly and continued to include a calico cat on my doorstep a ride during a hurricane, and a fake punch to the kidney's. I always hold you at arms length and finally let myself realize I don't like how that feels. So I let down my guard and went home to you for a while. You were always home-like. Its been so long since anyone looked at me that way that you do I forgot it existed. I knew it did! It had to! But I just plain forgot. You are the best at that look. The unspoken communication. And making me belly laugh. I forgot how it felt to be thought beautiful and funny at the same time. The exception, to my standard days of not feeling that. You still shake and on my
Drive home the ice water feeling came over my skin and rushed down my insides. I felt totally pleased and totally overwhelmed and good and sad all at once. It was fantastic! I thought my heart died a little once, irreparable damage. Ice water was the exception. I'm so happy you've always been my one exception. I'm so happy you know me and I you. We said we were soul-mates tied together somehow through every lifetime I never doubted that truth. I think we all have homes in another, some place in someone's heart or mind where we are a fixture. Here comes that ice water sensation followed by a smile. I can't help but like how scary and strange it feels, or how it still manages to come over me after all these years. There are things I have been seeing and feeling that have freed me somehow. Some change took place this week and tonight was the giant "things are going better, keep going" sign I needed in my world. Oregon license plate, stormy weather, rain right between the eyes, knicks tee, all makes it possible to not worry anymore about bear nightmares, brown eyes, perfect sharp teeth, claws puncturing my back, running no where, lurking bear nightmare I dare you! Something is changing and everything will be different. I can't wait to see how it all happens...

don't ignore the message

Using an ultimatum to force change is a lie.

Do not make excuses for lack of interest.

Pay attention to BEHAVIOR- not words!

If someone is willing to watch you walk away- do it.

People do not come around and choose you suddenly- life is not a romantic comedy.

The reason doesn't matter when the outcome never changes.

Not sure. Needs more time. Can't see the future. ALL RED FLAGS.

Time to give up the Ghost and the flags.

Children's Poem "Boat"

Mommy says I'm a boat. She says I'm made from the strongest woods. She told me just last week that my sails were the highest quality canvas's allowed!
But yesterday I came home crying because Joey Braggs said I was ugly and pushed me down.
I even ripped my new jeans! I said to my mom.
She just said "you need to patch your sails and float on."
And I did.

But then this morning I got up and felt sad. I pouted all through breakfast.
And mommy said "you just need to re-paint the decks and float on."
And I did.

In the car ride home from school just now mommy started crying because she misses Daddy so much.
"Mommy," I said "you're just taking on water!"
And I took out my lunch thermos, unscrewed the cap and pretended to bail the water out the car window.

Mommy and I it turns out...are in the same boat.

Children's Poem "fools gold"

Paint me up in something truly foolish.
Gold spray paint my skin and sprinkle glitter down into my hair.
Fit my teeth with Gold fillings which are too big; so when I tell you things ill sound as stupid as what I'm saying.
Do a jig you say?
Well I'll begin dancing in place. Knees pumping up to my chest. A fit every 20 minutes.
Laugh at me then tell me what to do.
I'll put a cravat around my head and wear a hat as one shoe.
You hand me a hat and tie without blinking.
Wear bells around for you?
But you'll hear me and I'll never be able to sneak up or be gone without notice! But if that's what you want...

While kneeling beside you in the kitchen gold paint and glitter on my hands, a ripped hat on my left foot and spit dripping onto my face from fake teeth, I wince up at you and say
"Love,"
You make a fool of us all or just me?!

Children's Poem " 'fraid of the dark!"

I was afraid of the dark until bobby ray said "aint nuthin' to be scurred of! You just start talkin' to that thur darkness. It'll listen!"
So last night with the covers up over my chin and my nerves all electricity.
I shut up my eye's real tight and said "Dark? Are you listen'in? Please don't hurt me none. I'm so fraid of you!"
And I was shakin just like last Augusts storm.
Then all of a sudden I heard a voice just as shakin' as my own!
A voice just as little as myself's.
And it said "really? Cuz I'm fraid of you too!"
And the Dark and I- we laughed and laughed.
And stead of bein' scurred of the Dark now-
I just says Goodnight!

who knew

I didn't know that what I normally considered my best attributes were also all the things holding me back from any real happiness. If I'm patient with no one to be patient with then what? If I'm caring, kind, funny, forgiving, non-judgemental, and affectionate with no one in my life to be all those things for then what? I feel lonely and disused. I feel like a beautiful bird that's just flying around aimlessly. I can not be any of those things to myself. And I don't know why. I treat me second best when I should be first. I can't stop looking out for others unless I cut everyone out of my life that matters. I want to re-locate and start all over. I don't belong here. I never feel comfortable here. I just want to forget everything that's happened to me and not drag it with me. I feel like I'm in a constant contest. That I'm always on display. And I get angry that no one seems to think outside themselves.
All I can think of is others. Their day, mood, life, worries, loves. I'm genuinely intrigued. But I'm not enough on my own. I just sit with myself and get bored. I always have to be reading, writing, watching, looking, thinking. And its exhausting. The truth is, the only way I feel the weight of myself lifted off of me for a moment is when someone's got my attention. There is so little I care to cling to. I think the truth is I lost my real ability to trust in anything getting a chance to live up to its potential. I'm my own worst enemy I've been told. I prefer it that way. I've gone my thirty years with no other enemies. So I guess that's the price I pay. Maybe if someone was there for me through true thick and thin the way I've been for so many people in my life, I would believe in others. Everyone takes. I didn't know I let them. I let people take things from me and that's what needs to stop. Problem is I think in black and white. Stopping for me means stopping myself from being the things I like about me. I wonder where that would leave me?
Maybe what I really need is to meet a care-taker like myself? What I need is someone to go the extra step, like I would. I need someone who needs me. Because if I can't use what's best about me to have a best love, than I become someone else who others will respect and love but whom I will hate. I will no longer ignore red flags, but I will no longer be made to feel that being treated like shit is something I brought on by being kind, patient, and caring. I will still do my best but from now on ill expect it in return. I will never be someone's bandaid again. If I can be strong enough to do things on my own so can they. I will not fall for the emotionally terminally ill, I'm not an emotional nurse! And I will only lean on someone and count on them and allow them to support me after building a real strong true loving relationship.
I didn't have anyone during the worst phase of my life, and I needed someone. No one showed up, and came through and it hardened me deeply. I went ahead and softened up my ability to trust in order to fall in love last year and that was a mistake. Maybe now I can find the balance between hard and soft? I don't know if there is one. I just know there is a new phase coming up for me. I am trying to prepare for it. I also know there is only one more real effort to be made by me to change the next outcome. I will be more involved in the direction things go, with an open heart, but with the idea that this next time I fall in love is my last.

tyger tyger

I passed by a sign a few weeks ago that was for Garalic Farms' new product and the catch phrase they settled on
the phrase they anticipated would make people buy and drink more milk was something along the lines of "cow-tru"
or "dairy tru". And I just had to laugh. I mean are we really at a place in society where we are not even bothering to use a REAL word to emphasize something!? I mean, that's like me buying
a car with a warranty that says "good for eva." Haha! yeah, let me go right out and say I hate that kind of. laziness/stupidity. I can just imagine some ridiculous couple standing at the alter together and in the program they've printed "we promise to luv each other for eva" Yikes!!! I went looking online the other day for something and found some postings from some girl who had decent interesting and well informed things to say, but I couldn't Even read her post! Because half way through it I was soooo annoyed at figuring out what she meant in english. Her post was all cut up and words were shortened and slang was so overused I got pissed! "I thnk u wuld 2." Ugh! Its a sad state of affairs when college kids are passing in literature papers with text-like slang mistakes on purpose. But how did it get so bad that its somehow become tolerated? I don't know. It's almost as bad as having hundreds of thousands of people using Facebook to narrate the most mundane things in their life. Which is okay
really but it's not okay when I have to read a new post every hour or even every few minutes about every little thing on ones mind! do we all feel so lonely yet self important that we must discuss our lives in the minutest detail? Here's a word for the day
OVER-SATURATION!!!